i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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