So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
