i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
