Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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