i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
