My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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