fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
