I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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