just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
