she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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