I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize