Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
