I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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