I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
