just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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