Someone shit on the floor
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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