If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
