what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize