Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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