My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize