My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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