So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
