Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
