If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
