this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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