It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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