im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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