I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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