We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
being pregnant is like rehab
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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