ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
