just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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