i think my mom watched the whole time
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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