alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
