I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
