Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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