We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
