Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
