ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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