tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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