I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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