I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
