The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
