Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
