Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
