My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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