I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
