My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
