I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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