so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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