I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
