I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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