I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
