dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
