I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it glows. i had to have it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
