I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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