I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
