Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
