Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize